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Lone
Wolf
Howl:
ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY THE ANSWER??
(Originally
published
in
Cochrane Times:
July 20, 2005)
Dear Banff-Cochrane MLA Janis Tarchuk: On the whole, you’ve kept pretty quiet on contentious issues such as Bill C-38 (unlike some provincial and federal representatives in the area), thus betraying your intelligence, so your days in PC politics may be numbered. In the best interests of you and your family, and to help you become part of the “speaking-without-thinking” club of conservative inanity, here’s a brain wave sure to keep your name in the headlines during the leadership race and maybe nab you a cabinet position in the new confederacy of dunces: Abolish Christianity in Alberta. It sounds kooky and completely disregards the rights and freedoms of many, but since that doesn’t seem to matter when shooting off at the mouth, then why not? Realizing it’s going to be tough to even suggest it without coming off like a complete knucklehead, I’ve gone to the trouble of devising some spin doctoring (Alberta-style) to ensure you personally don’t have to be held responsible for your offensive remarks. As you announce it, say “Society is divided on this issue” (which is, after all, true) and so “a reasonable middle ground, and the most prudent thing, would be to get Christianity out of the state altogether.” I know such extreme actions would be the furthest thing from both reason and prudence, but don’t worry; you’ll surely silence the naysayers by tossing out such prophetic thunderings as “If Alberta leads the way in abolishing Christianity, other provinces will likely follow.” Think of it! You’ll be setting a trend across the nation in your quest to undermine our very laws and when Christianity falls to its knees, you can say with Alberta pride “That was my idea.” Well… yours, mine, and ours, right? Because as my elected official, you speak as much on my behalf as all your constituents, regardless of their religious affiliations, and therefore should not make the grave error of promulgating your own personal views and biases under the guise of such views and biases belonging to everyone. The next part is complicated, so bear with me. Say “There are a bunch of concerns with freedom of speech, religion and association,” and that “The track record isn’t very good when it’s Christian equality of rights vs. freedom of speech.” Never mind the inherent contradiction that qualifies the “equality of rights” with a special interest group serving as the adjective before it. “Equality” apparently is not really “equality,” but only this group’s equality vs. that group’s. This is oxymoronic in the most complex way, but trust me, by speaking it, you will leave an equally moronic impression of yourself with your fellow Albertans. Your trump card will always be family values. Keep repeating this phrase: “I am against Christianity because it may lead to the disintegration of Canadian family values.” Ignore the fact all families are lumped together when you speak like this, regardless of the myriad of differences that come into play to define any one family’s set of values. By including all families when speaking of a select group’s family values, it enforces the illusion that you’re speaking on behalf of all your constituents and not just shoving your own personal views or the views of aforementioned select group down the provincial esophagus. Just keep saying: “I am against Christianity because it may lead to the disintegration of Canadian family values.” What you’ll find is the act of repetition will work as well for you as it does for cults, advertising firms and Republican presidents. People will start believing it. “I am against Christianity because it may lead to…” Back up your empty claims with “overwhelming social science evidence” that suggests that “strong, non-Christian families provide better outcomes for children.” If anyone asks you to give examples of said evidence, argue that it is predominantly Christian nations like the U.S. where divorce is most rampant and families fall apart like McDonald’s hamburgers. If in your crusade to abolish Christianity in Alberta (keep repeating, it may lead to the disintegration of family values), people look at you askance and mutter something along the lines of “What a complete and utter idiot,” do what your predecessors have done in the past: quote from scripture. I’ve got one that will knock their socks off: Luke 14:26. If you don’t have a copy of the Bible handy, just swing a golf club anywhere in your riding and you’re bound to hit one. Be sure to memorize it, so you look as familiar with all 66 books of the Bible as you would be with a Denny’s menu. To guarantee an audience for your proposed legislation change, offer a free pancake breakfast at your press conference. Bring lots of sausages. Beef, not pork. That’s it. I know you’re smarter than this, but don’t let that stop you. Stick with it, regardless of how idiotic you appear and you will surely find a media willing to share your radical views on behalf of this wild, rosy province of yours. Sorry, ours. Sincerely, etc., etc. (www.lonewolftheatre.com) |